Creeping Vandalism

Rustle, skid, sounds of bicycle in full flight.

~~

Remote laughter.

Scrape of wood on wood as yours truly wrestles with garden gate.

Sounds of cursing as Yours Truly trips over in haste to catch offender.

Further cursing as Yours Truly fails to catch offender.

Sound of blood rushing to fill gap deserted by common sense.

Zen-like calm returns to Yours Truly.

Fizzing sound, as ideas for apocalyptic retribution briefly flit past the lightbulb of practicality in the steely mind of Yours Truly.



Miniature cameras, microphones, PIR-activated floodlights, nets dropping from trees. All considered fleetingly.

Make the punishment fit the crime. That's it.

You see, some little ComputerUserNonTechnical has slowly been snapping bits off my fence as he goes past on his bike.



I've nearly caught him three times now. But he is canny. Teasing me by changing the time he does it every night.

Poetic Justice - that's the ticket.

Splinters of fence hammered up under his fingernails. Creosote poured over his trousers and lit. Trellis nailed to forehead.



It's amazing, actually, what lengths one thinks one might go to if one catches the offender.

Whereas in reality, Sensible Sergei, what you should do is completely ignore him. And when he stops getting a reaction, he'll get bored.

It's just a case of which snaps first - me or the fence.

Sergei