Please Do Not Litter

Very advanced, the Catt People were. Highly, technically and mentally advanced.

They lived many thousands of years ago, before even the ancient Egyptians - in fact, the Egyptians took a lot of artistic licence and broke several copyright rules when they etched those supposedly original pictures on the walls of the great tombs. Never mind about getting sued though, because the Catt People had died out several centuries earlier, and therefore had no standing in Egyptian law.

The Catt People are not recorded in many books of historical reference. Their artefacts do not appear in the great museums of the world. Their very existence has been hidden, brushed over, and all traces removed by some very shadowy backroom figures representing the governments of the globe. If you look up Catt on the web, all you will find are references to Mike Catt the England Rugby forward, and lots of misspelt categories on small unimportant websites. Nothing about any ancient civilisations here. Or anywhere.

So what has happened? Why the big fuss? Or lack of it, anyhow? Who are these people who want it all under the carpet, with nary a mew to be heard in opposition?

I'll tell you now.

Infiltrated throughout every nook and cranny of every major power's leading political establishments, there are the last known survivors of the Catt people's ancient and mortal enemies - the Dogg People.

Again, nothing has ever been recorded about this mysterious and wild-roaming race either. They come and go down the corridors of power like wraiths in the night. Pausing only to wipe a computer record here, scratch a file there, destroy some homework, or stain an important memo. They leave no evidence behind them except perhaps the odd furball or chicken feather. The Catts don't stand a chance.

So I've decided to trumpet the Catt's cause. Give ear to my cry, readers. This campaign will almost certainly affect you in one way or another.

'Catts of the world Unite' is the slogan I've chosen to spearhead the PR push. 'No More Pussying Around' is another I thought of, but didn't think people would take me seriously on that one. Some of my backers wanted to mount a presidential campaign in the US, but I'm advising against this. With a Dogg already in power, it could prove just too risky at present. Alongside the main thrust, there will be other, more subtle shows of strength. We already have our elder PR statesman, Tom, in place at Scraatchi & Scraatchi, and he has started muddying certain pools in the City. His finest flyer, now appearing all over the major conurbations from lowly tavern walls to posh mews, is a master stroke. Kitten Needs You. Particularly effective, I thought. The Catts Protection League has discretely joined our cause, by training their strays to whisper subliminal messages into their owners sleepy ears at night. Marvellous.

A major blow to our movement came late last year when Humphrey, our distinguished representative at No.10, was said to have been 'retired to the country'. Utter rubbish. The truth is that he was caught scanning through some of the PMs sensitive documents in the Downing St. office, and was duly neuterelised in the interests of National Security.

So here is the main message.

We may be few who have made this cause come into being, but we mean business. The original owner of this blog was blackmailed into writing this for us. We know he likes a nice bit of Pussy every now and then. We wouldn't like Mrs. Sergei to find out now, would we? So he writes in our cause now.

Our demands are simple:
1. Write a new clause into every contract for employees of all petshops that they must wash their hands and cut their nails.
2. Vets must have warm hands, and use kid-leather gloves.
3. Catts must have the vote.
4. Proper welfare for cute kittens.
5. No more stupid names like 'Tiddles' or 'Ginga'. They're just not funny.
6. Launch a fatwah against Garfield - treacherous b*stard.

These are the demands. Meet them. Or else we'll think of something really horrible to do to your expensive carpets.

Signed: Mogadon