Obeying The Laws Of Levity

A new and unexciting phenomenon caught me unawares this morning...

Levity.

I'm not overweight, but my bike thinks I am, and the pot-holes on the path through the Common also agree. When I get on the bike, my 12st bod doesn't exactly make the tyres flatten. So why is the ride so uncomfortable?

The saddle has one of those Madonna pads across the top. A Madonna pad by the way, is so-named because of how it gets 'into the groove' so easily.

So, why, when I hit a particularly large hole this morning, did my ar*e leave the saddle by at least three inches?

And then land back on the saddle, but slightly to the left.

Wow - that hurt.

Hopefully no damage done, but I won't be modelling any thongs at the next Ann Summers party or two.

On another note, I'm really looking forward to a good day at the office today...just a few projects to rubber stamp...

Twerpish

The Pink Princess got the present she wanted on Christmas day. Yippee-kye-ay.

Amongst the various Art Sets, dolls and other 'it won't last a week' stuff, Father Christmas bought her a really Top-Hole pressie.

Furby.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, a real, live, walking talking Furby.

In pink.

For those who have never owned a Furby, or perhaps even heard of them, a Furby is the cutest little critter to have ever graced a little girl's bedroom. They are 'Interactive' toys, which initially speak their own language - Furbish - which sounds very much like Japanese Shorthand being read out loud by a Danish Midget. But through the magic of modern technology, they slowly 'learn' the language of the child, and start to hold conversations with her.

For example.

If the Pink Princess holds the Furby and says "Hey Furby", the Furby will answer "Doo?" which apparently is Furbish for "Yes?". The child will then perhaps say "Sing me a song". To which the Furby will reply "Ok" and will start singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - in Furbish. If the child sings along with the Furby, it listens to her voice patterns, and the next time it is asked to sing a song, some of the words will be in English.

Amazing, one might think.

But it goes much, much further than that.

Oh yes.

The more times this happens, the better the Furby's English becomes, until, incredibly, it actually begins to converse with the child.

But it doesn't even stop there.

Oh no.

If an adult picks up the Furby, it recognises that the adult's voice pattern isn't the same as the child, therefore sometimes mis-understands what is being asked of it.

For instance - Yours Truly picked up the creature earlier this week, and said "Hey Furby".
Silence.
"HEY FURBY" I repeat.
"Doo?"
"Sing me a song"
"No" it replies.
"What?" says I.
"I no happy - no sing you song"
"Why Furby no happy?"
"You no love me" says the canny toy.
"Yes I do" says I.
"Cuddle me" it demands.

There are sensors on the sides, the front, and underneath it's body, so it knows when it's being picked up. So, laughing, I picked it up, and gave it a squeeze.

"YOU NO DO THAT TO ME!!" is screams at the top of it's voice - and I drop it like a hot potato.

Bloody cheek. Just as well I wasn't in a public place; I'd have been arrested. It's terrifying. It listens to your every conversation, interrupts with inopportune comments, farts (yes, it does) and screams blue murder if you hold it's sensitive parts underneath.

So now I know exactly what this annoying little toy really is.

It's an ASBO'd Teenager.

If it answers me back just once more, I'm going to tie it to an armchair, sellotape it's eyes open, gag it, and force it to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre three times.

That'll sort the little bludger.

I hope.

Sergei.